One of the reasons I started this blog was to put some positive energy out there. When I was diagnosed and trying to figure out which way to turn, I looked at a lot of blogs and message boards that had such sad and horrifying stories, it was hard to keep my eye on the prize and stay positive. So I thought I would write about my experiences in a more upbeat way, considering that I've had little to no complications or worries during my recovery process so far (knock wood). Of course, my first few posts had complaints in them, so there went the positive energy idea! :)
I guess it's easier to dwell on the bad things and want to get support and feedback to keep you going, than to write about how well you're doing. Which is more interesting? Or more readable? Perhaps I've found the reason behind reality tv. Hmmmm. But, anyway, I have forced myself to stop looking at other boards because I've decided I don't want to know everything that could go wrong. I would rather focus on what is going right so far. Besides, sometimes even my rather easy recovery story seems so hard to believe! If my life were a play, critics would call the plot a little hard to swallow!
Who could imagine that I would leave the hospital and come back to an apartment building that was on fire?! That I would have to stay in a hotel by the airport for ten days post-surgery?! That the visiting nurse service would have to come to a hotel by LaGuardia?? If everything had gone as planned, I probably could've gone back to work in two weeks and been done with it. I would've been uncomfortable, but that's ok. But, as we all know, life rarely goes the way we plan it, so I'm grateful that I thought ahead and asked for plenty of time to get my head back on straight. I was fortunate to have so many friends and colleagues to help me get through the mounds of paperwork and hassles that need to be gotten through. Medical insurance paperwork is a big enough nuisance, but rental insurance for a fire that wasn't your fault? Another nuisance. But my nuisance-level was minimal, thanks to the angels in my life that stepped up and took care of things for me.
One thing I've learned through this is you really need to accept help when it's offered. One of my doctors likes to tell me 'no one needs a martyr.' She's talking about taking pain medication when it's needed, but to me, it also means that you don't get bonus points for wearing yourself out to do stuff alone that you don't need to do alone. But it's really hard to let go of that control, especially when you're so out of control in other areas. The few times I've let myself go and cry really hard were mainly when I was accepting the generosity of others. Sometimes it's hard to accept that so many people think you're worthy of such generosity.
The last few months are actually sort of a blur--I feel like everything has flown by and maybe I didn't concentrate as much as I should've, or maybe I made decisions too quickly. Or maybe everything has gone the way it's supposed to and I'll find out the reasons down the road. That's usually the way things happen for me. I wonder what I'm supposed to learn from today's trial, then figure it out months (or years) later. That can be annoying, but also can be comforting. And I'll take all the comfort I can get.
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