Relief.

I posted on Facebook recently about my four year headache, due to clenched teeth and unshed tears.  So many bad dreams have happened.  I hate to call the last four years traumatic, which I fear diminishes people's real trauma, but gosh PTSD is probably on many therapist's diagnosis lists.  And so it's incredibly hard to process the absolute relief that poured over me after last Wednesday's inauguration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.  My shoulders fell to their normal position.  My teeth relaxed.  The thought that I wouldn't have to check Twitter first thing every morning to make sure the country wasn't at war; the knowledge that many of the hateful policies the previous administration put into place will eventually be repealed; the acknowledgement that people who respect art and artists would be in charge again - all of this is almost too much to take in.  I'm still on the verge of tears a lot of the time, but now they're happy tears.  Mainly.  

I've spent the last four years keeping my mouth shut while in the company of various family members with whom I vehemently disagree.  I put my love for them above my desire to discuss or argue or persuade.  I truly love them so much, but I will probably regret that for the rest of my life.  Why wasn't I brave enough to stand up for my principles?  Why couldn't they acknowledge my sacrifice?  After the 2016 election, it was all 'f*ck your feelings, you lost, learn to deal with it and understand why.'  Now I'm hearing 'you didn't win, your side cheated, and you should understand my feelings, because I'm feeling really bad.'  

Wait, why?  Why should I always understand their feelings?  Why won't anyone try to understand mine?  (And the other 80 million people who voted to sweep that horrible orange person away, but I digress.)  Why won't 'the other side' listen to people talk about respect for all Americans?  I posted the picture at left on Facebook in January, 2017, before a march in Times Square.  About two minutes later, a family member posted "If you see someone carrying a sign that says they're an ally for everyone, punch them in the face."  My heart was broken.  That person was blocked, but the blocking on social media doesn't block the memory from my brain.  Even if they were joking (as they later claimed), why is that funny?  How can I ever trust them again?  Or trust the people who tried to defend the hatefulness?  Why is wanting everyone to have the same rights and opportunities as me a bad thing?  As I try to tell people, it's not pie.  I won't lose my rights if someone else has some.  I truly don't get it.

I keep reading articles about how families are permanently destroyed.  I hope mine isn't.  It's exhausting to always have to be the one who is silent, the one who compromises.  But apparently that's my role in the family.  The peacemaker.  The non-confrontational one.  If I were to truly stand up for what I believe, would they compromise for me?  Thinking about that answer can keep me up at night.

But even while I continue to worry about that, the real relief and happiness I feel is so welcome.  I cried to see, FINALLY, a woman take the VP oath of office.  I cried even more watching our new VP, a woman of color, administer the oath of office to a diverse trio of new senators who make our Senate less cruel with their presence.  I cried while listening to our new president talk about the pain of racism and white supremacy.  I cried at the way music and poetry were put at the front and center of inauguration day, because these people understand how healing the arts can be.  I feel healing relief that the horrible orange man is no longer on social media, spewing lies and hate to his followers.  I rejoice at the executive orders that have already come out of this new administration - what good does it do America to discriminate against the LGBTQ+ community?   I am so grateful for a human who respects everyone else's humanity at our helm.  I definitely cried when I heard our president tell some appointees that if he heard anyone denigrate or disrespect anyone, they would be fired.  Decency.  Humanity.  Empathy.  I've waited four years to see it in our leadership.  Long may it reign.