So...I'm still rather wallowing in despair. I haven't had my ugly cry yet, but I know it's coming. I feel tired and sick to my stomach and my long-suppressed migraines are returning. I can't understand how a country supposedly built on 'all men are created equal' can elect someone who is such a racist, a misogynist, a xenophobe, a homophobe, an anti-intellectual and a divider. How WOMEN could vote for such a horrible man, a man who speaks about his daughter in sexual terms, a man who is proud of the fact that he can be a sexual aggressor and not be criticized for it.
Actually, the saddest part is I CAN understand it. In a way. I can just see my relatives, those who disagree with me on everything, not just politics, who are gleeful at this moment, crowing at their victory and thinking that justice has prevailed. What I want to say to them (and we'll see if I have to when I go home for the holidays) is 'Congratulations. You have been so threatened and so horrified to watch this country succeed under the leadership of a black man that you were bound and determined to get a white man into office, never mind that he is the worst white man on the face of this planet. I hope you're proud of yourselves.' 
And they will be. They'll never understand my despair, my fear, my outrage. They will never think about anyone other than themselves. They'll wrap themselves in their whiteness and in their bibles, while at the same time daily, continually, breaking the Golden Rule. They will never comprehend that people I know, people I respect, people I love are in danger in the supposed 'land of the free, home of the brave.' Their own white privilege matters more than the civil rights of anyone else. How will I be able to look them in the eye the next time I go home? That makes me cry almost as much as everything else. Normally, we can agree to disagree, but this goes so much deeper than that. Their votes have completely repudiated nearly everything I stand for.
The hatred that has been unleashed is truly terrifying. It has only been two days since the election and already there are reports of Muslim women having their head scarves forcibly torn from their heads, of people yelling the N-word and telling people of color to 'get out, go back to where you came from.' Of swastikas painted on buildings at schools. There are reports of transgender teens committing suicide because they're so afraid. As a straight, white woman, I know my privilege can shield me up to a certain point, but when the President of the United States talks about grabbing any woman by the p*ssy and there are no real consequences for that, more and more men will consider it their right to grab women wherever and whenever they want. Because they think that's what powerful men do and they know they can get away with it.
I see evil. I see pain. I'm having a hard time seeing onto the other side of it. I guess my trip to Italy is coming at just the right time. While I'm there, I'll hopefully be able to disconnect from the nastiness back home and revel in the beauty and splendor of my surroundings, and in spending time with my dear ones. Staying in Italy has repeatedly crossed my mind, though that's completely unrealistic and will never happen. Intellectually, I know that my work, my family (well, those of whom I can still look in the eyes), my friends, and my art, will get me through, but at the moment - the light seems so far away.
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