Good Heavens. A Decade. TMI Alert.

I was sorting some old emails, trying to make room on my computer, and I found the emails around my surgical experience of 2011 (a too-long post about it from 2012 is HERE).  I can hardly believe it's been ten years; in a way, the time has sped right by.  But in a way, it seems like forever ago.  And I feel like a completely different person now than I was then.  Though I guess most everyone feels that ten years out...

In 2019, the last time I met with my plastic surgeon, she reminded me that my implants have a 'shelf life' of ten to twenty years. Hm. So, in theory, the warranty could be up on my implants this year.  That's not really a pleasant thought.  I'm a little surprised that none of the doctors I see every year checked in with me in 2020.  I'm on a 'watch and wait' protocol for a lot of things, so I'm wondering if I'll hear from them eventually - when I get back to NYC, I'll be making appointments with all of them.  My plastic surgeon told me at that last visit that I'll need to start having MRIs again, to check and make sure the implants are in tact.  It's safe to say that I am not looking forward to getting back on the MRI merry-go-round.  In fact, it has crossed my mind to say that once these implants are ready to be swapped out, I may not want to swap new ones back in.

I guess, since it would already be a surgical procedure to have them removed, I could just as easily have them replaced than have myself 'deconstructed,' as it were.  It's just that some days I wonder why they're even there.  I'm not seeing anyone, and unlikely to be any time soon, so it won't matter to anyone but me, and I wonder if I care enough to do it again.  Some days, when I feel swollen and awkward, I feel as if they're more trouble than they're worth.  But I do wonder about my sense of self if they were to be completely removed from the equation visually.  Not that I'm looking at myself very often; the scars are nearly as prominent now as they were then, so let's just say I don't hang in front of a mirror admiring myself all that much.  I'm guessing the scarring would be even more drastic if I decided to go flat.

It's interesting, I think, to consider the differences between then and now, and I don't just mean physically.  After you hear, "you have cancer," no matter what stage, nothing ever is the same again.  Even after ten years of all-clear visits.  I'm different.  I see things differently.  I'm afraid of every medical issue, yet I'm not afraid.  There's an interesting dichotomy of 'how bad can it be?' and 'uh, I KNOW how bad it can be and it can also be MUCH WORSE.'   I felt as if I had more hope and trust then and wallow in a little more nihilism now.  I'm also still taking my avoidance/denial habits along for the ride - there are several new appointments I should be making, but I'm not.  I have a built-in excuse (hello, pandemic), but once I'm home, that excuse won't be as easy to justify to myself.

Perhaps it's just this time of year.  I feel sluggish and lethargic at my best of February moments (cold and snow are not my friends), then I think about Februarys gone by.  Of course, being February in a seemingly-never-ending pandemic DOES NOT HELP.  It also doesn't help that I've lost quite a few high school friends lately, I'm feeling my mortality.  And, for some reason, it frequently still crosses my mind that a lot of people in my life don't know about my surgery experience - I will reach out to friends when I find out they're going through the same thing, but I do it privately, and hope they don't share.  At the same time, there are friends I wish did know, so I could talk to them about how it affects our relationship (because it does, though they don't know why), but it's hard to imagine saying to someone "hey, by the way, ten years ago I had this thing...".

But why tell people now? I don't know. But it's such a part of me, why NOT tell everyone?  It affects most of my decision-making and much of my internal compass.  Every now and again, I do just blurt something out as a justification for something I've said and the person at the other end of the conversation just stares at me.  It's not nothing, but it's not everything either.  After all this time, you'd think I would've settled into my relationship with this part of myself.  I think maybe I'm just afraid of more surgery.  I've had enough to last me my lifetime - and that's not even taking recent vertigo issues into account.  Sigh.  Enough whining.  Please, I haven't even talked about my continuing fear of fire, thanks to this time of year.  Yikes.  I think I'll make a cocktail and whine into it.  By now, you're probably ever so ready to join me.  But I will keep updating when something new comes up, because, why not??  Shouting into the internet is much better than brooding into my tired brain...

Relief.

I posted on Facebook recently about my four year headache, due to clenched teeth and unshed tears.  So many bad dreams have happened.  I hate to call the last four years traumatic, which I fear diminishes people's real trauma, but gosh PTSD is probably on many therapist's diagnosis lists.  And so it's incredibly hard to process the absolute relief that poured over me after last Wednesday's inauguration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.  My shoulders fell to their normal position.  My teeth relaxed.  The thought that I wouldn't have to check Twitter first thing every morning to make sure the country wasn't at war; the knowledge that many of the hateful policies the previous administration put into place will eventually be repealed; the acknowledgement that people who respect art and artists would be in charge again - all of this is almost too much to take in.  I'm still on the verge of tears a lot of the time, but now they're happy tears.  Mainly.  

I've spent the last four years keeping my mouth shut while in the company of various family members with whom I vehemently disagree.  I put my love for them above my desire to discuss or argue or persuade.  I truly love them so much, but I will probably regret that for the rest of my life.  Why wasn't I brave enough to stand up for my principles?  Why couldn't they acknowledge my sacrifice?  After the 2016 election, it was all 'f*ck your feelings, you lost, learn to deal with it and understand why.'  Now I'm hearing 'you didn't win, your side cheated, and you should understand my feelings, because I'm feeling really bad.'  

Wait, why?  Why should I always understand their feelings?  Why won't anyone try to understand mine?  (And the other 80 million people who voted to sweep that horrible orange person away, but I digress.)  Why won't 'the other side' listen to people talk about respect for all Americans?  I posted the picture at left on Facebook in January, 2017, before a march in Times Square.  About two minutes later, a family member posted "If you see someone carrying a sign that says they're an ally for everyone, punch them in the face."  My heart was broken.  That person was blocked, but the blocking on social media doesn't block the memory from my brain.  Even if they were joking (as they later claimed), why is that funny?  How can I ever trust them again?  Or trust the people who tried to defend the hatefulness?  Why is wanting everyone to have the same rights and opportunities as me a bad thing?  As I try to tell people, it's not pie.  I won't lose my rights if someone else has some.  I truly don't get it.

I keep reading articles about how families are permanently destroyed.  I hope mine isn't.  It's exhausting to always have to be the one who is silent, the one who compromises.  But apparently that's my role in the family.  The peacemaker.  The non-confrontational one.  If I were to truly stand up for what I believe, would they compromise for me?  Thinking about that answer can keep me up at night.

But even while I continue to worry about that, the real relief and happiness I feel is so welcome.  I cried to see, FINALLY, a woman take the VP oath of office.  I cried even more watching our new VP, a woman of color, administer the oath of office to a diverse trio of new senators who make our Senate less cruel with their presence.  I cried while listening to our new president talk about the pain of racism and white supremacy.  I cried at the way music and poetry were put at the front and center of inauguration day, because these people understand how healing the arts can be.  I feel healing relief that the horrible orange man is no longer on social media, spewing lies and hate to his followers.  I rejoice at the executive orders that have already come out of this new administration - what good does it do America to discriminate against the LGBTQ+ community?   I am so grateful for a human who respects everyone else's humanity at our helm.  I definitely cried when I heard our president tell some appointees that if he heard anyone denigrate or disrespect anyone, they would be fired.  Decency.  Humanity.  Empathy.  I've waited four years to see it in our leadership.  Long may it reign.

2020 By the Numbers

Happy happy New Year's Eve, cyber friends!  Can you believe this year is finally coming to an end?  This has absolutely been the longest year EVER - after a while, it was hard to distinguish days from weeks from months.  I seriously rarely know what day it is; days go really slowly, yet it always seems like Monday.  Why is that, I wonder??  (I know why, I was just being ironical.)

When it came time to look at my 2020 Excel spreadsheet of excursions, I dreaded it.  I had kept it up-to-date until I left the office for good on Friday, March 13.  I looked back at it and almost started crying.  Then I pulled up my big girl pants and figured out how I wanted to distill the numbers, because NOT doing this post would make the year end on a sad note.  So I'm just going to do it.  I've decided to separate my year into three sections:  stuff I did see, stuff I had tickets for that got lost due to COVID; and stuff I watched online.  We'll see how things turn out:

Things I Did Get to Do:

• Theater visits:  17
• Shows by women:  14
• Shows by writers of color:  11
• Shows by my darling Fellows:  7
• Movies:  1
• Ballets:  2
• Restaurants:  7
• Readings:  4
• Conferences:  1
• Concerts:  1
• E-books:  9 (most were read on airplanes before my vision problems started)
• Continuing Ed:  2
• Ambulance rides:  1
• Hospital Stays:  1
• New Therapies:  2

Things I Had Tickets For (but were canceled):

• Theater visits:  13
• Shows by women:  5
• Shows by writers of color:  5
• Shows by my darling Fellows:  2
• Ballets:  7
• Readings:  5
• Conferences:  1
• Books I bought but couldn't/haven't read:  20
• Continuing Ed:  1

Things I Watched Online

• Theater:  26
• Shows by women:  12
• Shows by writers of color:  13
• Shows by my darling Fellows:  5
• Ballets:  6
• Concerts:  3
• Awards presentations:  3

It's hard to say what were my favorites in a year of nonsense, but I will say there are some images/memories I'll keep with me for a long time:

• the absolute joy radiating during a reading of Miss-Step and a production of Interstate, both by the monstrously talented duo of Kit Yan and Melissa Li;
• the magic and wonderment at Harry Potter and the Cursed Child;
• my horror and delight at Francis Jue's character/performance in Cambodian Rock Band;
• my astonishment at the brilliant scope of J. Julian Christopher's Bundle of Sticks, even being performed in a tiny space Off-Off-Broadway;
• the poignancy of Dael Orlandersmith's description of young Angus and their tale of fries/chips;
• the rollicking laughter at the Stars in the House readings of Fuddy Meers and Tale of the Allergist's Wife;
• the breathtaking power of Jefferson Mays during the Fezziwig scene of A Christmas Carol (Geffen);
• the beauty of Cynthia Erivo lifting up one of her fellow cast members after the incredible reading of School Girls; Or the African Mean Girls Play;
• the indescribable feeling of finally FINALLY seeing Hamilton and finding it did indeed live up to the hype.

photo from Geffen website

I also want to do a special shout-out to the Apple TV series Ted Lasso.  I can't describe the delight I felt while watching these ten episodes (I am SO PSYCHED for season two!).  There were little obscure asides here and there that cracked me up, there were character arcs, redemptions, tears, sight gags, and instance after instance of the power of human kindness.  Not saccharine sweetness, but genuine, earned kindness that can change the world around you.  My mom and I just sort of landed on Ted Lasso after I subscribed to the app so my dad could watch the Tom Hanks war movie and we loved it so much.  I wanted to try to make it last as long as possible, but we just couldn't.  After every episode, we'd look at each other and say "One more?"  I don't want to oversell it (too late!), but everyone should seriously watch.  In this age of cynicism and horrible people, it was nice to watch a show with smart people acting decently.  I don't know, it just took me to a place I needed to be.  I recently started rewatching it and I'm finding more delights the second time around...

I am going to skip listing my favorite food and cocktail list of the year, though I will say that going back to a restaurant and eating a real meal, with maybe more than one course, might make me cry.  I do want to say that I'm a big fan of my new bottles of velvet falernum and Jack Daniel's winter jack Tennessee cider.  :)

My wishes for the New Year is that life can return to some semblance of normal and that we can all treat each other with dignity and respect.  I'm hoping that process will begin most fiercely on January 20.  Please, oh please, let these 2021 wishes come true.  In the meantime, stay safe and PLEASE WEAR A MASK!!!!

 

Merry Christmas 2020!

 Merry Christmas, world - this holiday will certainly be unique!  It's the first year in all the years I've lived in NYC that I won't be seeing all of the holiday splendor the city has to offer.  So I'm making my family drive me around northeast Ohio for some lights and cheer.  Thankfully, there is much to be found.  Stay safe, stay warm, enjoy the day, and if you go out, WEAR A MASK!  Please.  Happy holidays!

Happy Thanksgiving 2020!

Hello, cyber-friends!  I can’t believe another year has gone by - Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!  Obviously, this is a Thanksgiving like no other; who could ever imagine that we would still be in lockdown after eight months?!  It has been great to spend so much time with my family, but I feel as if my life is on ‘pause.’  I’m ready to have my life back.  This will likely be a long post (sorry), as I try to work things out (and please forgive the formatting issues - I am just not understanding the changes to the blog platform)...

I’m very fortunate to be safe, warm, and loved during this holiday season, but when I remembered this post was coming up, I was struggling to think of other things to be thankful for this year.  Which is selfish and nuts.  Of course, there is always something to be thankful for – my family is healthy, we have a new baby in the extended family, I’m able to work from home, my sister bought a new house, my nephew is doing well, and there is still theater to watch.

I’ll admit I have some problems watching too much online at the moment (I guess I’ll do a post eventually about my ongoing vestibular and vision issues/therapy), so when I have the ability to enjoy a piece online, I’m especially grateful.  I’ve watched about fifteen plays/musicals online in the last few months and they’ve mainly been wonderful.  I’ll talk more about some of them in my annual end-of-year post (my numbers are going to be SO SAD this year!).  But in general, I admit that I respond best to plays with a limited number of characters, because my eyes and brain can handle them better.  So monologue-type things, like Faith Healer (Michael Sheen = MESMERIZING), Watching the Watcher (Dael Orlandersmith NEVER disappoints), and The Night Watcher (Charlayne Woodard = STUNNING) worked best for me.  Special shout-out, though, to Guards at the Taj, which I adored in its original production and loved even more via Zoom, so I could see those amazing actors up close and really REALLY hear Rajiv Joseph’s gorgeous dialogue.  More about online theater in a future post, provided I’m able to get my brain really working again.  Oh, but I can’t forget to mention the joy of seeing What the Constitution Means to Me again.  Absolute.Joy.

So, after whining too much, I realize that I’m so thankful this year for:

• my amazing family, who seriously changed their lives to accommodate mine; 
• my incredible wonderful nephew, who simply blows my mind most days;
• my beautiful GNO gal pals AND our wonderful guy pals/plus-two;
• my wonderful extended family, with the coolest aunts, uncles, and cousins around (and welcome to our new baby cousin!);
• all of my dear, darling friends who care, check in, and make me laugh;
• all of my dear co-workers who understand me, support me, and keep me going;
• Joe Biden and Kamala Harris (they will probably get their own post eventually, too);
• Ted Lasso (seriously, people, go watch this right now; I may have to do a blog post just about how it made me so happy);
• generous artists who drop everything to raise money for people in need;
• Drizly alcohol delivery app;
• my new wireless ear buds;
• Amazon Prime (I know, I know, I know,);
• Jose Cuervo premixed margaritas;
• Stacey Abrams;
• board games;
• Great British Baking Show;
• America’s Test Kitchen app;
• essential oils and diffuser;
• brilliant people on Twitter;
• my beautiful goddaughters;
• Manwich;
• Mary Berry;
• Game Show Network;
• my very kind vestibular and vision therapists;
• Wayne Brady and Let’s Make a Deal;
• New York Times crossword puzzle;
• Dramamine;
• Steppenwolf Now virtual subscription packages;
• Turner Classic Movies;
• Golden Girls Trivial Pursuit

So I guess I DID find things to be thankful for!  I knew I would.  No more whining from me – please enjoy your holiday, everyone, and thank you for joining me here!  And, please, for the love of everything, WEAR A MASK!!!  

 

Update on What's Going On

Hi, everyone!  I hope you're all staying safe and well during these increasingly crazy times.  Sometimes, it's like living in Bizarro World or Upside Down Land, where up is down, wrong is right, and the orange monstrosity is still living in the White House.  I don't know about you, but being away from home is increasingly detaching me from my real life.  All I do is work and watch tv.  Seriously.  Well, every week I go to see a vestibular therapist to help me with my dizziness and inner ear troubles.  That's an hour away from the laptop.  And now and again, I get outside for a walk.  But not too often since the weather isn't really cooperating.  I have to admit I miss my life.  I miss walking around the block to the natural food store.  Or meeting my friends for drinks.  Or having Indian food delivered to my door.  Or having the local Italian market bring me imported prosciutto.  Or taking my clothes to the local laundromat.  Or being alone for a bit.  Sigh.

Moving on.  When I look at photos from last year at this time, I remember the grand time I had in Edinburgh with longing.  Will I ever be able to travel again with ease?  Between the virus and worry about vertigo coming back, I wonder.  Double sigh.  Usually at this time of year, though, I'm sitting in the Billie Jean King National Tennis Center in Flushing, NY, watching the US Open qualies.  It's been a bit of normal to be able to watch some live tennis right about now - it's so interesting that the USTA decided to host both the Cincinnati and US Open tournaments back to back.  I guess it makes sense for the athletes to be in the 'bubble' to practice safety/health precautions to be able to play.  It seems that everything is going well so far...fingers crossed that everyone stays healthy and there's some good tennis to watch in the coming days.  UPDATE:  One of the tennis players planned to boycott her semifinal match because of what's happening in the world today.  Is it truly so hard for police officers to remember to stop shooting Black people??  I just don't understand.  Anyway, I admire her courage a great deal.  Apparently, so does the tennis powers-that-be.  They actually are "taking a pause" and not playing any matches in solidarity.  That is admirable.  Will it open people's eyes?  I don't know.  Tennis is such a white sport, it needs its eyes open.  I will watch and wait with anticipation and hope.

As for what I've been watching (to get back to the truly trivial, sorry)...it's a hodgepodge.  I got Apple TV so my dad could watch the movie Greyhound (he loved it, I haven't watched it yet).  When I was playing around on the home page, I was reminded that The Morning Show aired here.  Since it was nominated for so many awards, my mom and I decided to watch it (she still doesn't understand the whole 'on demand' aspect of the streaming channels, but we live with it).  It was well-acted, well-written, timely, disturbing, and extremely well-done.  Mom and I would watch two episodes on the weekend and she would say a couple of times during the week "I wonder what will happen next!", which is not a usual reaction for her.  After watching episode eight, I was extremely triggered, couldn't sleep, and had to take a couple of weeks off, but we finally finished it.  I'm glad we watched it, but I can't imagine what the next ten episodes will even be...

We watch a lot of Game Show Network - it's easy to watch and we don't have to think very hard.  I have to admit, I never realized how misogynistic Family Feud can be.  I think we can lay that at the feet of the current host, but it does give me pause.  Since The Amazing Race isn't running yet, Mom and I got hooked on Phil Keoghan's new show, Tough as Nails.  We ran through a bunch of cooking shows and eagerly await the new season of Great British Bake Off.  The Olympic Channel is a good source of interesting material. And I keep making my mom watch documentaries and she is a good sport to let me; we were both incredibly moved by Howard, the film on the great Howard Ashman.  We also enjoyed watching the docuseries on the making of Frozen 2.  We got a kick out of Perfect Bid: The Contestant Who Knew Too Much, about the time a contestant got an exact bid on the Price is Right showcase and caused a scandal; Too Funny to Fail: The Life and Death of The Dana Carvey Show was also really enjoyable - it even helped my mom forgive Steve Carell for his Morning Show misbehavior.

As for movies, we've watched and enjoyed (off the top of my head) Hustlers, Red Joan, Bottle Shock, Booksmart, The Bookshop, Best in Show, and And So It Goes (a harmless, though rather lazy, film by Rob Reiner starring Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton).  And TCM's Summer Under the Stars is always a treat, introducing us to new movies starring actor we like from the Golden Age of moviemaking.  

I think you can see now why I said all I do is work and watch tv.  Often, I'm doing both at the same time, though I still feel pretty good about the work I've been able to produce lately.  My current goal is to get back home in October, so I can be settled in before the election.  Most of the money I've managed to save this summer has been going to flip the Senate and evict the current tenant of the White House.  It has been rather dismal to see all the current regime signs in people's yards around my parents' house, so when I saw this sign the other day, I felt some hope.  And that's important now more than ever.

Discoveries During Quarantine

I don't know about you, but this situation is maybe starting to get to me.  The feeling that the quarantine will never end and the feeling that we'll be trapped forever is making me exhausted.  I've only left my parents' house three times in the nearly-two months I've been here.  Tired rage or raging tired is pretty much all there is.  The days all run together and there's no end in sight.  Adding to the unsettledness is the fear that the horrible vertigo will come back.  I'm still having issues reading - my eyes get wobbly when I try to read too much and then I feel dizzy, which scares me.  I do laugh a lot with my family, and I love being here (how else would I ever spend this much time with my parents?!), but that doesn't take away the tired or the nerves.  I don't know.  I guess if I could feel like this would be over any time soon, I could reasonably reset.

Since all I do is pretty much work (ish) and watch tv, I've made a few discoveries since I've been home:

• RuPaul's Drag Race is as awesome as everyone has been telling me, my mom even likes watching it with me;
• I allow myself to be painted as the bad guy in certain situations much too quickly;
• I miss Seamless;
• I'm going to need to have my cholesterol checked after this, since we eat a lot of fast food and I generally don't in NY;
• I always thought my mom was just tired of cooking after all these years, but no, she doesn't even like to cook;
• It's hard to read recipes when my eyes are vibrating;
• My dad is a really picky eater;
• Menu planning for picky eaters gets old really fast;
• I hope they make another season of Britain's Best Home Cook;
• My mom just doesn't get how Roku works;
• Hamilton is all that AND a bag of chips.

Speaking of Hamilton, let's see if I can still craft a review (my brain still isn't firing on all synapses).  I've been wanting to see Hamilton ever since it was at the Public; it's my own fault I didn't see it before it became a phenomenon.  I almost got to see it with co-workers in 2018, but that didn't work out.  I played the lottery almost every day for five years and never won.  When Disney+ announced they would be showing it, my heart was so glad.  I called Disney+ to make sure I could use my subscription on my parent's tv.  I counted down the days and drove my mom nuts reminding her that we wouldn't be doing anything on July 3 other than watching Hamilton.  I was afraid I would be let down after finally seeing it, but I truly was not.

a Venetian tribute. work.

There are so many layers to this show, I hardly know where to begin.  I'm not a devotee of rap or hip hop, but using these language-forward musical methodologies was simply brilliant.  The beat and the hooks make you listen and listen very closely to every word sung/rapped.  And nearly every word or rhyme tells you something important.  I laughed with delight several times at the triple and quadruple internal rhymes.  There is so much text that I know I didn't catch a lot of it on first viewing/hearing, but each time I watch a sequence again (I've probably watched the opening and closing numbers five or six times over the last week; I'm working up to watching the whole thing in sequence again this weekend), I catch more and more that I missed the first time.

The show is stupid entertaining, expertly acted, sung, danced, directed, and designed, plus it's ever so thought-provoking.  After watching it, I found so much to make me cry.  You know I'm a huge fan of huge-hearted Lin-Manuel Miranda and just watching/hearing the wonderful work he created for his talented friends made me weep.  It's smart, it's inclusive (yes, I acknowledge that he left out some details that are important but hey, it's a musical, not a documentary), it's instructive, it's entertaining.  The story made me weep, the backstory did, the idea of it did...everything.  It takes me back to the possibilities imagined by the Obama administration and god knows I need to remember those times right now.  I also think back to an event I did in Evanston where a person sought me out to complain that "George Washington was not Black."  I knew exactly what that man was saying, and he (and others like him) are why we need shows like Hamilton.

All of the performers are incredible, I can't even single anyone out.  Well, maybe Daveed Diggs.  He is singularly talented with charm to spare and you know how I love charm.  But truly, everyone was brilliant (and charming).  And I want to be Renee Elise Goldsberry when I grow up.  I'm ever so grateful I get to see the phenomenon that is Hamilton up close and personal (and more than once!) to send me back to my theater happy place.  Of course, I also cried when I heard the applause and saw the long shots of the stage - I long to be back in a theater again.   I've been going back and reading old reviews on my blog to try to relive those experiences.  If only everyone would wear a frigging mask...but that's another story/post.

(sorry for any weird formatting - my blogging platform has made some changes and I can't quite figure them out.  maybe next post.)